Ken puts the kibosh on new growth until some ‘things’ are fixed

For those pro-growth advocates who want a better quality of life through growth, I have a message for you — wait your turn. Before we change things “for the better,” let’s fix what ain’t broken first. I have a short punch list of uncompleted, hometown improvement DIY projects that have irritated me for decades. (Humor alert — Loretta reminded me to provide a satire disclaimer. No toes were intentionally stepped on in the writing of this Final Word.)

The first is Mount Baker, the Cascades, and their foothills. I happen to love Spokane and Pullman, even the drive there. In fact, I would like nothing better than a view of the Palouse countryside or downtown Spokane from the back porch of my house here in Blaine. The problem is, Mount Baker and the Cascades are in the way. They need to go. Whatever value they may bring to skiers, hikers, bird watchers, and nature-lovers is far outweighed by my personal pleasure. Besides, I can’t even see Mount Baker from downtown Bellingham because the foothills obscure the view. They are worthless. Get rid of them, like yesterday. The wildlife can move to Canada.

I am willing to keep Galbraith Mountain for mountain bikers if Kulshan Brewery opens a bike repair shop/beer pub on Yew Street or in Lake Padden Park. I don’t mountain bike, but I do drink beer. At least there would be something in “it” for me. Otherwise, Galbraith Mountain must go, too. Mountain bikers can have the Skagit flats as their playground. And if Lake Whatcom drains when we bulldoze the foothills, so be it. Water is obnoxiously wet. Clean drinking water, water skiing and boating are overrated. Fresh water fish are, too. Any displaced fish can be relocated to Lake Washington or eaten. I am not heartless — it’ll be their choice.

Because I am easily confused, can we please reduce the number of trails around here to one, perhaps the Interurban only? Hiking options are overrated, too, and the reduction in the number of trails will save space for future growth. Besides, our trail system provides so many diverse options that no one can ever have a favorite. If we get rid of all trails, except the Interurban, we will all have the same favorite. The common shared experience will bond us together. Sameness is good. Diverse options lead to diverse experiences, unique people, and by extension, chaos. We need order.

Of course, we have way too many parks. I have hated green open spaces ever since my childhood. Plus, where will we construct new strip malls if all the green spaces are parks? Let’s eliminate all parks except Boulevard Park. I like Boulevard Park. I can get a latte there. Of course, this would mean the Interurban would become a simple “down and back” loop because Larrabee State Park would no longer exist. But I never went to Larrabee State Park anyway. Yes, it was overrated, too. Condos would be a good use of the green space after the old growth trees are cut.

And as long as we are fixing things around here, I would like to move the San Juan Islands closer together and Victoria closer to us. The open water between islands makes for an excessively long ferry ride. Thirty minutes should be the maximum length. Any longer than 30 minutes and ferry riders see more beautiful sights than they can remember. What’s the purpose if you can’t remember? Let’s just move the islands closer together and be done with it. We can then tour the San Juan Islands and Victoria on a single cell phone battery charge. Brilliant, I know. I came up with the idea while drinking a latte at Boulevard Park and watching a beautiful sunset over Lummi Island. The sun hurt my eyes without smog as a filter. But that’s a DIY project for another day. I can fix only so many things at once.

Finally, many of us look and dress the same because we love the outdoors. This has to stop. The beanies, boots, and plaid jackets makes it appear as if we enjoy each other and all that our North Sound counties have to offer, which is completely unacceptable. Why would any business want to relocate here with the variety of things to experience? If we don’t change our misplaced ways, growth will stop in its tracks. We need sameness. Diversity simply makes the issue of growth or no growth more complicated.

Who needs the mountains, the lakes, the trails and parks, the flora and fauna, the pristine Puget Sound waters, and crystal clear blue sky? Only when these “things” are fixed will I turn over control of the quality of life here to progrowth advocates.

"Before we change things “for the better,” let’s fix what ain’t broken first. I have a short punch list of uncompleted, hometown improvement DIY projects that have irritated me for decades"