Ken, er, Garfield, Jr., goes off-leash to offer some catty remarks

No disrespect to horses, rabbits, piglets, and other critters, but dogs, not you all, are my competition for household dominance. Dogs have had their day. It’s “our” turn. As a life-long, card-carrying member of the Feline Brotherhood Local No. 9, I am lodging a formal complaint and organizing a purr-out on behalf of all us cats, the vastly superior and more lovable household pet. Step aside, Lassie. While you are pretending to rescue Timmy from the well yet again, I am about to reverse centuries of injustice, in 800 words or less, by demanding equal treatment now

Let the change start here with the introduction of new, pet-neutral expressions and the eradication of negative cat stereotypes. Is there any doubt that the linguistic history of pet quotes was hijacked by a pack of ego-centric dogs sucking on a water hose and woofing it up in an echo chamber? Males elevated themselves with such positive, but obviously low self-esteem, puffery like “Every dog has his day,” “It’s a dog-eat-dog world,” “I am an Alpha male,” and phrases like “top dog,” and “man’s best friend.” Who’s kidding who? You lick yourself just like we do, only we don’t wear doggy outfits or hide in the closet during fireworks or smell each other’s backsides thrice daily.

And OK, I’ll say it — female dogs are just as bad. Where do you think self-serving excuses came from like, “The dog at my homework, “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks,” or “Let sleeping dogs lie”? These preemptive expressions were created by female dogs, who are covering for their worthless, lazy-ass male mates, many of whom would rather pose for an artist and play poker and smoke cigars in a dimly lit card room instead of taking obedience training. Absolutely no accountability!

But canines weren’t satisfied with self-aggrandizement. No, they went Gothic and mean-spirited like the flea-bitten bullies they are by attacking us cats with the proliferation of negative, hurtful sayings like, “Look what the cat dragged in,” “There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” “The cat’s out of the bag,” and “scaredy-cat.” The negativity must stop. The emotional toll of these painful expressions has plagued the psyche of generations of cats. We only purr because we are angry as hell and we can’t get the words out. Hairballs are actually an entire paragraph of expletives coughed up in one, untranslatable lump. Unless you learn to speak hairball, you just wouldn’t understand the hurt.

The time has come for new politically-correct, pet-neutral sayings. What’s wrong with “Call off the cats,” “You don’t have a cat in this fight,” “My cats are barking,” or “That’s the tail wagging the cat?” Why does it have to rain “cats and dogs?” Why can’t it rain dogs only? And hasn’t curiosity killed a dog or two? (We cats can only hope!) The canine bias is so blatantly obvious. Ask yourself – ever tried to herd dogs? Not easy, was it? Or watched a cat meow up the wrong tree? Of course. Pet owners, are you starting to feel guilty? Personally, I like the expression, “If you want something done right, send a cat to do it.”

Lest you think that us cats want to take being politically correct to an extreme, we don’t. Certain expressions just don’t have the same meaning when flipped on their head. For example, we have no interest in coining new expressions such as, “Screw the cat,” “He’s in the cathouse,” or “He’s cat-tired.” We recognize that some meanings may get lost in the translation. The pooches can have those sayings to themselves. Frankly, they deserve them.

No, all we want is to change the dialogue to a more cat-friendly conversation, where we can lay around in indifference in the sun while laughing at poor, pathetic “man’s best friend.” Your leashes are on the peg by the door right next to ours. Ha, ha. Psyche.

I can hardly wait for the catcall responses from dog lovers. Oh, what’s that? Cat got your tongue? Puurrrfect.